A Good Laugh

There's not too much at the Onion anymore that's all that good. They have gotten little too vulgar for my taste. But this one is alright:

We made it!

I received the following from a wonderful woman in my life through an email. I have made some adjustments and posted it here.

To Those of You Born

1925 - 1983

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's & 80's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, white rice, white pasta, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet, no Facebook, no MySpace and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

No one had ADD or ADHD. We were disciplined to pay attention and learned self-discipline. Some just needed more of the 'discipline' than others.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, send a link to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

REV FUN

Copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc - www.reverendfun.com

"No pockets, No store!"

I went to the grocery store the other day. I only needed to pick up a couple things, so I knew I wouldn't be long. I had on some basketball shorts - no I don't play basketball - but they are comfortable and I usually only wear them around the house or gardening. So, since I knew I would only take a couple minutes, I decided not to change. These shorts have no pockets, I could just carry my wallet, phone and keys. I've done it before.

I am sure you think you can see it coming.

I got a cart going in, for two reasons; I needed to get spring water. We only use spring water for drinking and cooking. Our city's water tastes like potting soil. I like gardening, but not enough to drink it. The second reason was that I knew I could keep my wallet, keys and phone in the top section. I usually only use the top section because I do not like impaling myself on the handlebar at the register trying to get everything out of the main section. And from the end of the cart, you can't reach the top section. They make these things just too big. I like those mini ones they have now, but again the spring water... So, once I put a few things in the top, my valuables would be covered and secure, right?

I grabbed the first few items; bread, milk, eggs. Now my wallet, phone and keys are covered up. I keep shopping, stepping away from the cart only a couple times to grab some stuff off the shelves or whatever. I check on my personal hidden items periodically.

Now, for those of you who think you know where this is going, you are wrong.

I get to the register, unload my stuff and see that my wallet, keys and phone are all secure in the top basket. I pay for my stuff and put my bags on top of them once again and proceed to the car. I had left the car unlocked. I do this on hot days; windows open and all. There is nothing in the car worth taking and neither is the car itself. As I am putting my stuff in the car, I note that my wallet, keys and phone are all in the top basket - they made it! - Not that I had any doubts.

I get in the car and drive off.

Hmmm.

I get about 1/4 mile from the store and look at the seat beside me. Did I put my wallet and phone under the bags?

They're not there. I am still driving. Maybe I put them on the floor with the spring water. Maybe I put them in the little pocket in the dashboard. Nope, not there. But there in the little pocket is my wife's phone! She apparently left it in the car when she got home from work, just before I darted out to the store. Oh no! My phone AND my wallet are in the cart!

I am one of those people who do not put the cart away. Sue me! I have a 6 year-old and when he was younger I got into that habit. He was just too valuable to have taken out of his car seat while I was doing something they pay people to do. I had heard of it happening and I was wise. Hee-hee. So the cart I had, is sitting alongside an empty parking space just waiting for the next shopper.

My quick prayer went something like this:

"Father, I'm sorry I was so dumb. Please let my stuff still be there when I get back."

I decided, as I was turning around, to use my wife's cell phone to call my phone, in case it was in the car somewhere. It rang, I could not hear it ringing in the car. Someone answers. OK, at this point I am trusting in the mercy of God to let this be one of the many honest people in the world.

"Perla?!", she says, seeing my wife's name pop up. "Do you know whose phone this is?!"

"Yes, it's mine." I replied, embarrassed.

"I am in the parking lot and I have your phone AND your wallet in a cart here!"

Thank you for pointing out my MULTIPLE losses, as if leaving one thing was not mortifying enough.

"I'll be right there."

I drive in and see these two ladies, looking around, standing by my cart - OK, their cart.

I stop the car and get out. I thank them. They point out how it was good that someone like them found it. We didn't know whether to take it inside or not, etc, etc. I show them my license to prove it's me. I thank them again. I point out that this is the last time I go shopping without pockets. I start walking back to my car.

One of them shouts out, "No pockets, no store!"

Good motto.

The next day, I spoke to a woman who was a prospective client for our cleaning business.

"Did you get your phone back?" she asks.

"Uh, yeah," I said, revisiting my mortification of the previous day.

"Yeah, some lady called me yesterday. I guess I was the last call you made before you went to the grocery store. She asked me if I knew whose phone it was. I said yes, but that the only other way I knew of to contact you was by email. As we were talking, she said, 'Someone named Perla is calling the phone'. Oh! that's his wife! Answer it! Answer it!"

That was me calling from my wife's phone.

We had a good laugh. I expressed my hope that this was not going to cast a shadow on us and our first impression.

Well, she is now a customer.
I have my phone and my wallet back.
All turned out well.
Trust in God in every thing.
And if any of you can learn from my mistakes, feel free - No pockets, no store!

And here's a scripture for you:

Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.

Proverbs 30:5

Mass Transit - Part Three, That's my In-laws' House

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My in-laws' house is somewhere in here.

After generously and in a VERY norteamericano sort of way, paying my taxi driver. I walked across the street to wait for what was probably the 'last-chance-bus' to home. Shortly, after I crossed, my taxi driver friend follows with some of his compañeros. He says they want to be sure that I get on the right bus. I am sure at this point that they all figure they will be handsomely rewarded for their efforts.

As the bus pulls up, they all mutter something in Guaraní. I say thank you and get on the bus. The taxi driver follows. He says he wants to be sure that I get off at the right stop. He talks to the driver in Guaraní. I imagine my whole saga being re-told, probably missing some parts and fabricating others.

I proceed to the third seat on the right, because my in-laws' house, when it passes will be on the right. I sit with my head and shoulders OUT THE WINDOW. I do NOT want to miss the stop this time.

I recognize each turn.

I finally see the half tires on the neighbor's property line. This is IT!. I pull the cord as he turns the corner.

On the road I see the silouette of my father-in-law. He is standing in the road in front of his house waiting for me. It was very prodigal son-like.

I get off the bus. He comes over to me. He looks very concerned.

I realize that the taxi driver gets off with me.

"How are you getting back?", I ask.
"You're going to drive me", he replies.

I look at him, puzzled. He laughs.

"No I'll walk", he says.

We all laugh.

I did NOT think that was funny.

He and my father-in-law talk a bit as I go inside. I think they ended up knowing each other - a friend of a friend of a friend etc sort of thing. Or at least that's what they SAID!

As I go inside, I am pleased to see my oblivious children. I am sure that any talk of my troubling MIA-ness was all in guaraní in the home, so they never realized that daddy was missing in the paraguayan campo. I could sense that my in-laws were worried.

As we lay in bed that night, my wife grabbed me. "I was worried for you Papi", she said, "I was praying the whole time."

"Aah!, What were you worried about? If I can do NY city subways, I can do Paraguayan colectivos!"

I am such a norteamericano.

There is a sequel. It happened 3 days later. I'll save it for another post.